I Want A Longer Life

     I just spent the past week in one of the deepest funks I have been in years.  It began months ago with my father's passing, followed by my mother's ailing health and ending with a horrendous family Christmas.  There was family and spousal fighting mixed in with my alter ego of the evil stepmother showing herself.   I realized finally that I will never be accepted as a member of my husband's family and that as my remaining family member (mother) is ailing, I am soon to be an orphan of sorts.

     Don't get me wrong, I am not truly alone.   I have my two girls who brighten every day, my husband who tries so hard to keep us going and my two sortasisters and many others who have warmed my heart over the years.  Yet, there is an obvious lack of family in my life.

     But what I have is amazing and I want to be around to live this life with these fabulous people for a long time.  Ask any mom or wife and they would obviously say the same but I keep running into obstacles that try to derail me of this goal.  I have had triple negative breast cancer, am overweight have high blood pressure, diabetes, a new diagnosis of hypo beta protein anemia and issues with my liver.

     On Christmas Eve, I asked my family to pick a word to focus on for the upcoming year as a trait that they wish to focus.  I thought I wanted to select the word choose because I believe we make our own choices.  I thought of many others such as forgiveness (especially after this last week), I thought of dedication and determined as well as committed or energy and a plethora of other words that would be appropriate for my time and place in life.

     But when my husband and youngest daughter and I went on a walk today to begin our year of 3,650,000 steps, we passed an elderly couple walking their two dogs.  They were beaming, content, happy and healthy and I knew that was what I wanted.  I want longevity.  I want to live a long life and I want it to be be one that I can enjoy.  The word longevity popped in my head as I passed tree after tree and like those trees, I want to stand tall and strong and be able to weather all the storms still to come including future ruined Christmases.